Taming Terrific Toddlers of Two

PART ONE

I am an unapologetic fan of toddlers, and I get a regular laugh from two-year-old of my acquaintance. In my career, I have had to do with toddlers having been one, being a father, grandfather, and now great grandfather of four of them. I am somewhat short of perfect in my results from caring for my toddlers, but do as I say, not so much what I do. I have had wonderful and terrible experiences as a physician taking care of them; but in this set of articles, I intend only to mention my positive medical experiences.

 

Let me start out with some elements of definition:

  1. A toddler is an emotionally unstable pint-sized dictator.
  2. Toddlers of all races, sizes, genders, ethnicities, and national origins, have been hard-wired in their DNA to have an uncanny ability to know exactly how far they can push you towards insanity before reverting once again to an irresistibly lovable little creature.
  3. Children—toddlers—are not little adults and cannot be successfully dealt with as one.
  4. Two-year-old of this era can unlock an I-Phone, open and close the apps they want to use all by themselves. Life was simpler and better when I was two; I regularly ate dirt and enjoyed it.
  5. Children are not kids; those are the offspring of goats. It is better for all involved to think of them with the more respectful title of Child, or Son, or Daughter, and never “It”.
  6. Toddlerhood is a rapid learning period. Probably, the first and most important thing a toddler learns is the “Rules of Possession” as he or she sees them:
      • “I like it at this moment; it’s mine.”
      • Possession is nine point nine tenths of the law, “if I want it, it is mine right now, no matter who else appears to have possession.”
      • Demands: Bigger, better, more, now!
      • If it is in my hand, it is mine. If it is in your hand, it’s mine; and I will fight like a tiger to assert my claim.
      • If I take it from you; it’s mine. If you take it from me, I will take it back using all weapons at my disposal.
      • If I ever had it, especially if that was not long ago; it’s mine.
      • “You are never to assert that anything I want was ever yours. Not ever. Not now.”
      • “If I am building something, all of the pieces are mine. If you are building something, all of the pieces are mine.”
      • “If I saw it first, it is mine. If you saw it first, forget about it.”
      • “My memory is perfect. If I remember or think I remember that a thing was my thing; it is my thing now.”
      • “Do not suggest that a thing is or once was yours, even on your birthday; you are wrong. It is also mine.” There is a law decreed in heaven that says so.
      • If you are playing with a thing and should happen to look away or set it down; it is mine. It is mine even if you are holding it, being my baby sister notwithstanding.
      • The broken cookie is yours, not mine. Even the offer of a broken cookie is anathema.
  7.  The terrible twos or terrific twos—however you see them–are a development milestone, and it will not end when the child turns three. Remember, in order to become a great man or woman, one must first be a great little rascal.
  8. Toddlers are discovering many things and want to learn after experiencing. It is natural for all parents to say no; it is not particularly natural for toddlers to accept “no”, even when issues of safety are the reason.

I well remember my time with my toddlers; I was told how terrible they were. I have been told by older grandparent types in church that their parents—a time they have forgotten—would be ashamed by the behavior of their toddlers of the next generation, and you should feel shame because you are a bad parent as evidenced by the ongoing noise or tantrum. My reply—which fell on deaf or angry ears usually—has always been, “I am old, and I have been sick at death’s door multiple times. The aviary-like sounds of the children are music to me; they are the evidence of life, and that life is still good.

So, I had children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren, and neighbor’s children, all of whom were definitely–at times–the terrible twos; but, in my reveries; and in sum, they were terrific. I have had the joy of watching children greet each new thing with wonder; I have loved and been amazed to watch the little ones learn new things every day—sometimes every hour. Our little ones grew and loved school with the fun, parties, learning experiences, and BFFs. It gave and continues to give me pleasure that my progeny did not recognize skin color or seem troubled by difficulties communicating when new children entered the scene or when they were the new ones. It was part of the great adventure of learning—to talk, to read, to understand. Our children have always been excited about attending different classes, telling us stories about his or her BFFs–who are her favorite people and the most thrilling thing they encountered that day. My wife and I and now our children and our children’s children are witness to the magical world view of little girls and boys. My life seems to be elevated and enriched by seeing that little bundle of dependency grow into a tiny human with a personality of his or her own.

I have been favored by having bright children; they learn faster and more than I could during my time being a tiny human. They have all loved learning that there are things I remember during that time; many people told me these are the terrible twos; but I think they were terrific. It was so amazing to see them learn new things every day, attending different classes, being excited to go to school, communicating who are her favorite people and so on and so forth. In my opinion, adults should all see toddlers as discovering themselves, the world around them, and what to make of their emotions. He/She still learns new things and is amused to find out that there is something else which I cannot explain. He/She was discovering her/himself, the world around them and their emotions. Do you not think it was too much for the little thing? And if he/she does not express her frustration and confusion to their parents, where will they go? Such emotions will out. Where do you want them to be when it happens?

PART TWO

Sometime during toddlerhood, the child will display his/her catalogue of emotions and connected behaviors, an apparently nonsensical continuum of: angry, hungry, happy, tired, excited, sad, enthusiastic, sulky, or manipulative. Associated behaviors–in no obviously logical relationship–include; hysterical and heart-warming laughter, stubbornness, self-centered to a fault, screaming, having tantrums, hating parents, having severe reactions to being out of sight of parents, hugging, hitting, biting, holding hands, cuddling, and obstinacy. The terrible two child can be a quasi-terrorist or a funny cute charmer all in the same day, or even hour. It is all part of the program, and nearly all children have to go through the stage. Call it terrible or terrific, it is a nearly inevitable roller coaster ride. Praise be to the parents who ride it out successfully. Woe shall often be unto the anxious, disorganized, parent who has a short fuse and a long vocabulary of curses for the child because such parents and their offspring have a scant chance of being “normal”, happy, or having high self-esteem.

This toddler behavior is normal and will usually pass, thank heavens.

So, let us face the issue of tantrums directly: tantrums are common at this stage in the form of screaming, crying, stamping feet, hitting, and verbal outbursts of the most negative kind. This is a result of the emotions coming into their brains faster than they can learn to understand or to cope with them. Their repertoires are limited, and their mental filters are in the process of beginning to work and to be understood by the child. Infants generally react to hunger, discomfort, dirty diaper, pain, or fatigue, with crying or fussing. Toddlers are beginning to develop more responses and finally to learn which are efficacious and/or appropriate and which are not.

Look for tantrums from nine months to four plus years. They tend to peak between two and three years-of-age and to diminish in frequency by age four. There are angel children who never have tantrums, and the other end of the continuum where everything seems to set off tantrums with the behavior continuing well after age four. Some adults continue to have tantrums in one form or other lifelong if they fail to get their way. I seem to remember a president or dictator or two as exemplars.

The terrible twos are about tantrums for even smallest of things. The reasons are legion. The child wants things to be done in a certain way and at a certain time—usually now–and this is not always feasible. With a toddler, what follows is an emotional meltdown; and it can happen anywhere, at any time, and for any reason. By Murphy’s Law, it seems that the more humiliating or inconvenient for the parents, the more likely tantrums are to occur. For parents, handling these through a long and difficult day and for months gets to feel overwhelming even to the toughest and most stoical of parents. Succeeding in dealing with tantrums can be the most rewarding of human enterprises. And then you can embark on the training program for sharing. Do not expect quick or consistent results in less than years—say five, or twenty, or so.

“What to do” What to do?” What’s a poor Christian to do?” lamented the despicable and hypocritical ‘Master of the House’ in Les Misérables. That is a perfectly normal question for a harried mother to ask. Toddlers are experts at throwing tantrums, and over time they learn how to manipulate the frayed feelings and tempers of their parents. After getting her/his blanket, pillow, drink, snack, lullaby, and favorite television show, [then repeat, then repeat, ad nauseum], it finely dawns on even the most adoring of mothers and fathers that their toddler is secretly looking at the hapless adults and muttering to his or herself–in their own inimitable thought processes but not understood by adults’ language–“I own you, and I have more to come.”

It is a human reaction to shout and get angry at the terrible two child many, many times. To do so, is grossly ineffective and even harmful for the child and his/her future. A parent with decent feelings will almost always feel miserable afterwards; and it is depressing.

It is vital to learn as early as possible that the child is almost constantly desirous of having his/her mother or father give her attention, and for gentle and loving teaching. The child is hopefully in the process of learning how, why, and when, he or she was wrong. The process is aggravatingly repetitive and frustrating but necessary. But it is how children come to learn. They do not care if the explanation of the action is the same as it was ten minutes ago. Young children can be excellent teachers of puppies and dogs. They are willing to repeat the command or signs of what is wanted ad infinitum until the dog gets it. That’s pretty much what toddlers need. The desired result—among other things—is to alter the behavior and to convince our child that we want to be the people in her life to whom she/he can come to anytime and for anything? It is, in fact, our duty—our part of the contract we sign upon becoming parents–to be there for them.

Sooth yourself by repeating over and over, “This too shall pass away.” And know that all of this was a phase and it will pass, what you will be left with is the memory of and will always miss later–the two little arms giving you a vigorous hug for no reason umpty dozens of times a day.

There is always a reason behind a tantrum, even if it is not altogether evident to the uninitiated. Usually, it is because the toddler is not able to communicate effectively. Know that they are humans and have a mind of their own, however much you have been trying to teach them something more like what you want—your way. You have already managed to help them learn how to walk and to begin to talk. As a result–or perhaps an unintended consequence–but also to demand what they want. Early on, such abstractions are too new and overwhelming for them. One way toddlers begin to cope is by asking the same question many times because they need to register it in their little brains which are having so much new to process. Another way is to explode—to throw a fit.

Children are likely to demand a chocolate bar or an ice cream as soon as they are up and begin to cry uncontrollably when they do not get it. Same thing with their favorite TV show—one of those noisy kaleidoscopes of color and action that makes intelligent adult think they have died and gone to hell as a punishment as the G rated horror show proceeds—and will exercise their lungs to full capacity for. Upon analysis, there is always a reason—however illogical to the adult mind. It can be as simple as hunger, and the tantrum over the chocolate bar can be assuaged by getting their morning porridge. Or they may be bored, and—by their experience–TV is the most entertaining option for them. A short walk outside in the sunshine where there are sticks and rocks, bugs and puppies, pieces of paper and clumps of dirt, around to entice them. You will need to figure out the reason for the tantrum. This is the right age for them to learn, after a while to be able to be reasoned with, and to begin to understand the concept of discipline. Before you get angry with me, know that I admit that it may seem impossible to understand the workings of a ruthless, implacable, tyrant thrust into the midst of your family. For any of that, it is necessary first to understand them. In the next article, we will explore that.

 

PART THREE

Strategies to deal with the behaviors of toddlers, to teach them better ways, and to bring them to a place of understanding, decision making, and responsibility while they still know that they are loved, protected, and cared for.

Tantrums:

  1. Be calm. When a child does not get what he/she wants, he\she shouts and cries. Calmly explain that “in our house, manipulations do not work.” It is repetitive and frustrating, but in time toddlers will come to understand.
  2. Be calm and try and distract them. Help them to cool down.
  3. Be calm and try and talk to them and help them into doing what they really want. Try to make something else sound like more of fun.
  4. Be calm enough to walk away and ignore the tantrum. It is good psychology that ignored behaviors tend to die out. Obviously, children must be protected from self-inflicted harm. It is not necessary to put on a demonstration of anger, cursing, or hitting when your child throws a fit in a public place. Most people will remember their own experiences or be will be polite enough to let you do the best thing available, ignore the behavior. Where the misbehavior truly interferes, such as during a prayer, a quiet musical number, or a speech–if necessary, bodily remove the child to a quiet place where he/she cannot disturb. Be sure that it is a measure of discipline, and not a parent succumbing to manipulation by a child who has learned to get out of the constraints of social situations requiring non interruptive behavior.
  5. I have learned a great deal by watching my grand daughters teach their toddlers and younger sign language. One little boy was so impatient that he screamed and cried between bites of food. His mother taught him to sign “more”. He is a bright child, and being able to communicate, helped him to get what he wanted without all the noise and chaos.

Possible benefits of using sign language for your little ones include:

  • earlier ability to understand spoken words, especially from ages 1 to 2
  • earlier use of spoken language skills, especially from 1 to 2 years old
  • earlier use of sentence structure in spoken language
  • decrease in crying and whining in infants
  • better bonding between parent and child
  • potential IQ increase

6. Before your child is able to communicate verbally, sign language can be an effective way to connect with your little ones and to ascertain their needs. The sign language taught to normally hearing infants and toddlers is different from the American Sign Language (ASL) used for the hearing impaired–simpler and easier. It is a limited vocabulary of very simple signs—largely descriptive of activities desired. Some of the signs are part of the ASL signs meant to express the common needs of this age group, as well as the objects they frequently encounter. Most commonly, such signs will signify concepts like “more,” “all gone,” “thank you,” and “where is it?” “Love” “Bye, bye”, and “Full”.

Here is an incomplete list of signs and their meanings:

Drink Thumb to mouth
Eat Bring pinched fingers of one hand to mouth
More Bring index fingers touching at the midline
Where? Palms up
Gentle Patting back of hand
Book Open and close palms
Water Rubbing palms together
Smelly Finger to wrinkled nose
Afraid Pat chest repeatedly
Please Palm on upper right chest and moving hand clockwise
Thank you Palm to lips and then extend forearm outward and down
All done Forearms up, rotating hands
Bed Palms pressed together next to cheek, leaning head towards hands
Love Wrap arms around chest
Bye Wave extended hand or throw a kiss

 

Children’s minds are very active. They are discovering many new things and most want to learn after experiencing. It is natural for parents to say “no” to a great many things; but, toddlers continue to repeat the same prohibited action because they like to test their parents to some degree; but more importantly, they want to make their own decisions without interference. It is frustrating to them and to their parents.

It follows that tantrums are common during this period of development. Screaming and crying are a way of expressing meaning and intent; but a poor one, because it is very difficult for parents to understand, especially with the immediacy that the child demands. The children have a strong urge to try new things and to learn. When parents say “no”, they throw a fit because they are being prevented from getting what they want, when they want it; and they do not know how to express themselves with words. A male adult friend of mine came to the United States from Finland able to speak only limited English. He was young, healthy, and lonely. He told me that a large part of his problem was that he did not have enough mastery of English to be able to flirt and to catch on to jokes and innuendoes. He found it most difficult to initiate jokes, because American and Finnish humor were so different. Like the child trying to communicate with his/her parents, he had a troubling problem of frustration and sense of failure.

Knowing the common triggers for tantrums, often a parent can detect a difference in the action or the crying among pain, anger, and frustrated desires. It helps to have a fixed routine and to keep to it. It is calming. It is also of value to give toddlers warnings about what is going on or is about to go on to give them a chance to become mentally prepared to some degree. Children and even adults rarely respond well to being either surprised or forced.

Children benefit from loving physical communication with their parents and siblings. Hugging during and after a tantrum until they can settle down, frequently proves to be a useful antidote.

Children need stability, expected routine, and rules—most of which are not amenable to changes. Rules need to be simple, reasonable, and fair. The child must sit in his/her car seat, wash hands after using the bathroom, and before eating. Otherwise, it is a program bound to fail if every little thing is rigidly demanded and enforced. Most children in that case are unlikely to take any requirement seriously because there is no hierarchy of rules or punishments.

Yelling and hitting are counterproductive. Pediatric research has long shown that yelling has long term effects including chronic anxiety, impaired self-esteem, and increased aggression. Hitting–including spanking–aggravates the negative impact of yelling, and children who grow up in a family which endorses physical brutality have a high percentage likelihood of abusing their children and spouses. Opinions are not unanimous about the value or detriment of a spat on the bottom. It is unanimous that no hitting with an implement, or leaving a mark, or whipping are in the least bit acceptable.

Toddlers and older children need to have a graduated set of experiences to help them to learn to be in control of the decisions and actions of their lives. A toddler wants to feel independent and able to make decisions to learn things. Let them make some decisions which are not harming anyone. Early on, they can decide what to wear or what to eat for a snack, even if they choose an outfit that does not match or is not in the latest style. An easier way is to give your child limited “yes/no” choices or simple decisions about wearing a like a black or blue dress or pants today or nuts versus fruit for a snack. That helps to take away the regular fight over the preferred choice of the child for sweets or chips. This seldom creates a real problem for parents, and the child gets to feel that he or she is in control.

In sum, in the words of the toddler, “I am a toddler. I am not built to sit still, keep my hands to myself, to take turns, to be patient, to remember a list of commands, to stand still in my place in a line, or to keep quiet. I need motion, activity, and adventure. I need to engage the world I am exploring and discovering with my whole body and attention.

“For me, life is play. Let me play. Trust me, I am learning. Protect me; listen to me; care for me; otherwise keep out of my way.”

 

PART FOUR

Normal or Not Normal:

Dr. Christopher Green lists characteristics of all toddlers [i.e. normal]

  • All normal healthy babies move around in nearly constant motion, facial expressions, and verbalizations. They need to receive vigorous physical attention—cuddling, rubbing, moving arms and legs, fingers, and toes, kissing, and hugging. This interaction with other people is crucial not only for psychosocial development but also for brain development. Completely neglected babies in this regard fail to develop the pons of the brain as was found in the orphanages of Romanian communist dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu.
  • All normal toddlers hate to be separated from their caregivers, especially from a nurturing mother. They want to play alongside and underfoot of their harried mothers who are trying to get something done. Many young mothers jokingly want to change their names from “Moo-oo—om!” Minor traumas for toddlers occur when they are introduced to a new baby-sitter. Major traumas occur when toddlers are locked away in a room alone or sudden separations for lengthy periods from “Moo—oo-m!”
  • Toddlers are usually busy little people. My second great grandson acts like someone put too many quarters in his energy box. He climbs out of his crib and falls to the floor on the dead run every mornng and spends his day running, jumping, destroying, tormenting his brother, playing with his brother’s toys, crying, laughing, making everyone else laugh, shouting, dancing, throwing his food around, hugging, and then falls fast asleep in an instant. Sitting still for even a moment is out of the question for him. His little sister—the Angel Child—looks upon him with fond tolerance and permits his wrestling, exuberant hugging, and suffocating kisses, with incredible equanimity. She would be considered active. He is off the chart.
  • All toddlers crave attention and hate to be ignored. They are the diva, the maestro, the leader. They love the sound of their own voices and become nerve wracking after a few hours of that. A few can be satisfied by parental best efforts; others demand twenty-six hours a day every day of active and riveted attention. Mother is not allowed time to eat, to sit and watch Hallmark movies, or to attend to private necessities.
  • Most toddlers some of the time, and some toddlers all the time, seem to lack purpose or good sense. They are impulsive and unpredictable and need to be watched constantly to prevent them from getting into harm’s way. Even the most normal of toddlers–perhaps even the Angel Child–can suddenly decide to fall into the pool, approach the vicious dog, or run into traffic.
  • Healthy vigorous toddlers have little or no respect for other people’s property. It never occurs to them that the doll, the truck, or the blankie, may be treasured possessions of a sibling. They are attracted to everything, are into everything, use their little fingers to smear jam, paint walls with peanut butter, and have no respect for neat folding, how big sister lines up her dolls, or how daddy likes the papers on his desk. Shredding a paperback book is fun and can be done, because it is within the toddler’s purview and therefore his/her property.
  • They are almost universally willful and stubborn and may be quite militant about their personal determinations. Some can be reasoned with, but for most that is another development for another time.
  • They are oblivious to the messes they create. Their play is often quite solo even in a room full of other children—it is called “parallel play”. It is possible for a toddler to be neat and tidy; I’ve never seen one myself; but there are reports. Apparently, such children are okay. Some children fluctuate daily from Angel to Monster, which drives parents nuts. Anti-social behavior is the norm.
  • Some few toddlers like to sit and fingerpaint, draw, do puzzles, and contemplate their navels. They are not sick, retarded, or mentally deranged; they are simply demonstrating the other end of the normal spectrum. Not to fret.
  • There is a something of an in-between set of toddlers: more passive, less belligerent, more independent, good eaters–some are even meal eaters, others snackers, but both are okay—continue to enjoy a daily nap to about age three years, some are lazy and won’t get out of bed in the morning, others get up at O-dark thirty and go on a rampage; so, the entire household becomes unwillingly wide awake.

Between those clearly normal behaviors and probably normal behaviors (about 35%) there is a category that can be accurately described as truly difficult children and another end of the spectrum where it is appropriate to worry and eventually to seek professional help:

  • Toddlers in full flight eighteen hours a day; have tantrums at every little thing around the clock; and he/she is four years old; resists toilet training even when off to school; wets the bed every night well past the very young child state; persistently colicky; has breath holding attacks frequently; all forms of discipline are ineffective; never talks, just whines. Maybe the parents need help. At the extremes, maybe the toddlers need real help.
  • Parents have options and opportunities to create peace in their homes and eventually to have a terrible two toddler become more of a terrific two toddler:
    1. First and foremost, remember the old mock Latin dictum: illegitami noncarborundum.
    2. It is not necessary to keep up with the Joneses or to give in to the ever-changing media definitions of perfect parent, perfect child, or perfect marriage and family. Remember and stick to the basics; most childhood dramas will clear with the benefit of time and the edge removing grind for children in school.
    3. There is no universally accepted parenting manual, no Bible of child rearing. Beware of experts of all stripes: family, church, social media, famous TV personalities. A solid dollop of common sense goes a long way.
    4. You can learn and employ proven techniques for your toddler’s benefit: develop rules for everyone in the family and stick to them; provide a reliable routine for the toddler and the caregiver; employ discipline wisely, humanely, equally, justly, and with love and acceptance at the end. Hitting and yelling do not work.
    5. Do not employ a blame game; you are responsible; grandma, the other side of the family, the other spouse; the church; the neighborhood; the prevailing religion, government, or ideology, are not to blame. Man up, accept that you are the one who can make changes, take charge, and administer rewards and discipline; then, do it.
    6. Make every effort to achieve peace and harmony. Danish parents in general are adamant about not stirring up or exciting their toddlers near bedtime. Soft music, lullabies, G rated stories, hugging, and good night kisses, are the tools in the Danish armamentarium; and they work.
    7. It takes two to fight. Avoid fighting with the toddler. Their fury will wear out. Never fight with your spouse within sight or hearing of children. Make peace for the sake of the children and the family union. Try for a house full of love, understanding, calm quiet talk, attention to children, and encouragement. Temper tantrums should be exclusively limited to toddlers and not to completely sentient beings around them.
    8. Toddler proof your house. It does not matter a hill of beans if there is some clutter around or if there is some grease on the countertop. What does matter is that medications are locked up; precious breakable objects, important papers, guns, and valued books, etc. are out of reach, out of sight, and unable to come to be in the hands of toddlers. High shelves, sturdy locks, off limits areas, should be de rigueur and sternly maintained. The swimming pool has adequate fencing; the angry and dangerous family dog gets a new home; the attendants and caregiver are very, very, carefully screened and monitored; if you can afford it, install video security in bedrooms and wherever a toddler (or a teenager) could be alone with someone untrustworthy—beware of the live-in boyfriend and the addict. Walks in the park, by the lake, or near the dark forest are taken only with people watching the toddler with a paranoid eye and quick hands and feet.
    9. Difficult as it may seem, both husband and wife must take time to pay attention to the toddler, even in families where both parents must work. Remember that the wife has been with the children all day, and she and the children need a break. The overly tired father, home for work and a rest, is still obligated to play with, wrestle with, sit on a rocking chair with, an adoring and needy toddler (or teenager). The diversion from work and the play time may be as revivifying as sitting with feet up and shoes off watching some inane TV presentation.
    10. Try to let children be their natural honest selves. They are not adults who have to be socially dishonest and say the rotten meal at the neighbor’s was wonderful, or that the man’s toupee falling off did not happen, or that the old man is not mean to children. It is one of life’s great conundrums—how to teach honesty and social appropriateness to a child at the same time. Good luck there.

Finally, there are true red flags displayed by children of any age that are so far out of the norm that they truly demand professional help:

  • Your discipline strategies are not working, a mental health professional or child behavior expert can help you discover and implement alternative discipline techniques.
  • Your child’s behavior interferes with school. When children are frequently removed from the classroom or have trouble getting work done due to behavior issues, they may need professional help.
  • Your child’s behavior impacts his or her social life. It is important for children to have positive social interactions. When their own behavior prevents them from making or keeping friends, it is important to seek help.
  • Your child’s behavior is not developmentally appropriate. If your 7-year-old will not stop biting other people despite repeated discipline; or if your 8-year-old still throws frequent temper tantrums; or your 9-year-old still wets the bed persistently; or your 10-year-old hits people, those behaviors are not developmentally appropriate. Seek help if your child’s behavior seems immature compared to other children their age.

There are a few serious warning signs that definitely require input and evaluation from a professional:

  • A child behavior expert can identify or rule out any mental health issues that may be behind the behavior problems, such as a conduct disorder, oppositional defiant disorder, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), reactive attachment disorder, or disinhibited social engagement disorder.
    • Aggressive behaviors: Making threats, getting into fights, breaking things, throwing things, hurting others, or engaging in other aggressive actions.
    • Criminal behaviors: Setting things on fire, vandalizing property, stealing things, or breaking into houses or schools.
    • Cruelty to animals: Hurting or tormenting the family pet or other people’s animals or any animals, including wild creatures, domestic animals, or even bugs.
    • Evidence of psychosis: Hearing or seeing things that other people do not see or hear.
    • Extreme non-compliance: Refusing to follow rules, lying about actions, running away, or being disruptive.
    • Frequent truancy: Skipping classes or school on a frequent or regular basis.
    • Lack of behavior change: Being unaffected by requests or refusing to make changes despite consistent consequences.
    • Lack of remorse or empathy: Having little concern or care for other people’s feelings. Avoidance of eye to eye contact.
    • Self-injury: Engaging in headbanging, cutting, or substance misuse.
    • Sexualized behavior: Making sexualized comments or acting out sexual This is usually learned behavior and should raise a big red flag that an adult or older family or neighborhood male is molesting the child.
  • Anxiety disorders also can also lead to behavior problems. Anxious toddlers to tweens may become argumentative or non-compliant if they’re worried about something.
  • Depression can contribute to behavioral issues. For example, depressed teenagers are likely to be irritable and may refuse to get up in the morning for school or may want to spend the majority of their time in their room.
  • Inability to form bonding attachments
  • Flagrant lack of inhibitions in dealing with strangers, even to the point of easy willingness to be taken away by a strange man in his van.
  • A child who has been traumatized by a serious event, or is repeatedly subjected to bullying may benefit from individual counseling. A child who is struggling to adjust to a new blended family situation may benefit from individual and/or family therapy.
  • Finally, parental efforts and outpatient services may not be enough. If behavior problems are significant, a home-based service may be warranted to help coach you to make discipline more effective. In extreme cases, residential treatment may be necessary if a child is not able to remain safely in the community.

So, love to be around toddlers and being with them for their unique ability to employ their innocence for humor: For example, a new reporter stopped a mother, father and little three-and-a half-year old toddler, out for a Christmas time evening stroll. He asked the little girl if she had talked with Santa Claus, pointing to one on the float in the passing parade. “No,” she said. “Are you going to talk to Santa Claus,” he asked with a kind smile. “No.” “Why not?” “Because the real Santa is in the mall.”

 

PART FIVE

Building self-esteem in toddlers.

Before our first pregnancy, my wife and I determined that we would make it our life’s work to rear our children to be confident, competent, and decent, adults. To do that, we also pledged ourselves to instill self confidence and a sense of self esteem in our children. As the children were born and became our lasting responsibility, my wife and I gave them graduated experiences with slowly increasing opportunities for independence, self-reliance, and progress, with the caveat that they report back to us. Like all other mortals, we were far from perfect; but we worked assiduously to learn from and to correct our mistakes (mainly mine). Remember that perfect is the enemy of good.

After high school, we took our daughter around Europe and made our last stop. She then got on a train with all instructions in German and made her way across Europe to Switzerland where she attended a Swiss finishing school taught entirely in French. She was not allowed to speak a word of English while there. As difficult as that sounds, she flourished while there and used her credits to cut her university requirements back in the US in half. We have always been very proud of her. I could relate similar stories about our other children, all to underscore the value of the effort to create the antecedents of self-esteem from an early age.

In his classical study which became a book, Stanley Coopersmith, Antecedents of Self Esteem (in Children) reported a long and thorough study of what things matter and what things do not as to whether or not a child can be adjudged to have positive or negative self-esteem. What they found about the children who eventually were rated as having a high level of self-esteem was particularly notable for what was not present that would have been expected. The level of economic status, social status, education, fame, prominence, religion, or reputation, of the parents amounted to almost nothing in determining the success for children. What did matter was the level of love, acceptance, treatment as an equal, respect, and encouragement, which came from the parents. Those findings generally prevailed no matter what country, religion, or social stratum, was studied. The conclusion was that a child’s home should be the place where he or she finds solace, acceptance, and a chance to express his or her opinion, without being humiliated or criticized. Where successes are celebrated, and failures are not allowed to be the end of the child’s effort. Where there is security and order and discipline is fair, equal, and reasonable. Parents did not belittle each other or their children. They did not embarrass their children in public or private. That successful program can and should begin at birth when the baby first moves up to find his or her mother’s welcoming breast and continued throughout the life of the family.

Suggestions for teaching toddlers with long term goals in mind, and older children until they leave home from Cornell University Extension Division:

  1. Do not do for your children what they can do for themselves.
  2. Even young children can learn to help with chores and can learn to get their own clothes out and put them on in the morning.
  3. Resist the urge to take over and solve all your children’s problem. Instead, help them learn to help themselves.
  4. Be clear and consistent and as repetitious as necessary about expectations and how those expectations can be carried out
  5. Make sure, and again be as repetitious as necessary that they learn the rules and policies of the households: “this is the way we do this.” A household with children is not a complete democracy. At all times, in all circumstances and places, the parents are in charge; and the children are required to obey. Require courtesy and respect and give it in return.
  6. Always remember and ingrain in your children that your primary obligation and concern is their safety and security. The toddler needs to learn that he or she cannot step into the busy street, even if your orders or protective new direction produces a tantrum. Once their explosion subsides, you can explain once again how precious they are and how determined you are to keep them safe. Keep away from harm that lurks in the alley, on the street, in places frequented by addicts or overly solicitous adults. They are never, never, never, to accept presents or a ride from a stranger whatever the stranger says or does. Never.
  7. For youngsters and adolescents alike, they are not to accept alcohol, drugs, or tobacco, from anyone at any time. Until they leave your home, they are your responsibility however onerous it may seem to the young man or women seeking to cut the apron strings. Hopefully, some your lecturing and personal example will rub off and save them grief through the rest of their lives.
  8. Be consistent with messages: finish chores or homework before going out to play, to watch TV, or to get a treat. The curfew is ten p.m., and that means ten p.m.
  9. Give advance notice of important expectations of what behavior is expected in special circumstances, e.g. going to church, to the movie, to the store, to a fancy restaurant, to grandma’s house, to the neighbors for a sleep-over, or while on vacation etc. Children do best when they know what is expected and what to do.
  10. From an early age and on through adolescence, teach skills to both sexes of children, and give positive feedback and useful critiques as necessary. A girl can learn to drive nails; a boy can learn to wash, fold, and iron, clothes; and both can learn how to drive a car, even one with a stick-shift.
  11. Do not only tell your child what to do; include instruction about how to do it. Early on, it may be necessary to work with the child. Most little children love to mimic adults, e.g. mother sweeps the floor with her big broom, and little children mimic with the small brooms provided by the mother. The child gets a small hammer and block to drive a nail or to use a screwdriver on.
  12. Older children, i.e. those with adequate reading skills, will benefit from written instructions, including a list. Include specifics, like what kind of cleaner, what kind of soap in the washing machine, where different utensils, dishes, or tools are put away, what day is trash day, etc.
  13. Give praise; be specific and pertinent. It is not particularly useful to say “you are a good boy… or a good girl.” Instead, praise how well the bathroom floor was scrubbed, the bed made, the laundry was folded and put away, the garden was weeded, or the lawn was mowed.
  14. Teach children of all ages the value of keeping their area neat and orderly; how to clean up spills and that if you spill it, you clean it up; it is not a bad idea to serve as a good example.
  15. Teach children practical necessities: where the cleaning supplies are kept, how to work the dish washer, and the laundry washer and dryer. And never touch the stove or grill without a parent or other appropriate adult in attendance.
  16. Teach them about personal privacy for both children and parents and other adults.
  17. Let children “choose” their behavior, with a little nudging, and give them choices to make; they can choose the color of their clothes, which pair of shoes, and whether to walk or take the bus to school.
  18. When you make a mistake, admit it promptly and fully and let that serve as an example of what you expect from the children. Be a positive role model and show them how their father or mother was successful in being appropriate and honest. Let the children learn the natural consequences of their behavior and mistakes if their safety and security permit that you do.
  19. Let your children have insight into your work, chores, and responsibilities. It is good for them to learn about their eventual obligations as parents. Try not to complain about your occupation, the circumstances of your work, or your boss. That, and expression of your fears about your financial status and obligations, can produce fear and insecurity in younger children that may last a long time. Instead state that you are happy to have a job, this job, and however minor it may seem to you; they will understand that you look at it as being a source of pride and respect.
  20. Treat your spouse with love and respect; the same things you expect from your children. It is healthy to discuss, to disagree; but it is unhealthy for a family if parents insult, berate, belittle, or make snide and sarcastic to or about each other. Do not have big fights, yell at, swear at each other. Children have big ears and eyes, and what you do and say is what they learn.
  21. Physical, verbal, and emotional violence between spouses, or inflicted upon children is harmful at the moment and is likely to have lasting detriment. Spanking makes brutality seem normal or appropriate. “We don’t hit people in our family.”

From Toddler Taming by Dr. Christopher Green:

By one year of age a baby prepares for his or her second behavioral change—the onset of toddlerhood. It also the time when parents begin to feel their age. The period lasts roughly from age one to age four. Babies, like the adult avatar they will become, are individuals with considerable differences. There is some kind of continuum with some being the angel baby from start to finish all the way to the biting, fighting, tantrum throwing, and lovable terrific terror.

It is expected or–at least–hoped that the baby will make some progress towards control in matters that lead to acceptable adulthood like toilet training; impulse control—acceptance that it is not possible for him or her to have every desire fulfilled instantly and on demand. The other expectation (wishful thinking?) is that the developing new human will gain some behavioral control, such as control of frustration and reduction in tantrums. Even some presidents do not fully succeed, some into their seventies; so, do not become despondent if your three or four-year old still has a tantrum or two or three…

The transitions are only made with parents enduring a considerable amount of angst and pain. Some husbands never get over having minor tantrums when they demand a beer from the wife in scrubbing the floor after putting the children to bed unaided, and he is anxiously engaged in a TV ball game. The difficult behaviors that bedevil parents include: overt negativity, learning to say “no” earlier and more frequently than they say or mean “yes”. Parents who use “no” more frequently more often have children who do so.

Welcome to the club. Enjoy the experience; it may help to develop selective amnesia and/or to attend talks by your local spiritual guru–the self-appointed guardian of the Dharma, a living God, an aspect of God or a representative of God with access to the knowledge of God and liberation who personifies the best of human character and conduct. Whatever works. You’ll need it. Best wishes.

 

I chose to use a pseudonym for personal reasons. I’m a retired neurosurgeon living in a rural paradise and am at rest from the turbulent life of my profession. I lived in an era when resident trainees worked 120 hours a week–a form of bondage no longer permitted by law. I served as a Navy Seabee general surgeon during the unpleasantness in Viet Nam, and spent the remainder of my ten-year service as a neurosurgeon in a major naval regional medical center. I’ve lived in every section of the country, saw all the inhumanity of man to man, practiced in private settings large and small, the military, academia, and as a medical humanitarian in the Third World.

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